Peyton and Lucas: In da Club
by lyndseysmeltzer
Summary: This is what I feel Peyton would be thinking/feeling after her kiss with Lucas in the episode In da Club in season 5. I own nothing, all rights to OTH


"You still love me don't you?" I didn't really want to hear Lucas's answer, all I really wanted, what I needed, was for the one thing I was sure of in my heart, to actually be true. I looked in his eyes and my heart soar. They were staring right back into mine, slightly confused, but determined.

"I have to go see Lindsay." The words flowed effortlessly from his perfect lips, and ran straight through my heart like a white-hot knife. What did that mean exactly? What was he going to tell her? In that kiss he'd given me everything that I'd ever wanted, was he going to take it away from me again now?

His hands dropped from my arms and he turned away. I stood there, frozen by all the conflicting emotions I was feeling as he walked away from me, to her. I never wanted to be the other woman, but it seemed that it was becoming something of a trademark for me. As I stood there I remembered that night in L.A. for the billionth time, replaying all the things I said and how I could have changed the outcome, and how much it hurt to wake up alone.

I watched him drive away from the side window and wondered what was going to happen next. If he left Lindsay, then that would mean all of my dreams were coming true, but if he didn't, that would mean my entire world was about to fall apart, again.

I went back out into the crowded and sweaty mess that was Tric and confessed to Brooke, though of course she already knew I came back for Lucas. Sometimes I marvel at the fact that somehow we're all still friends, after all we've done to each other. There was one thing that she said to me that I hoped with every fiber of my being was true: "You're Peyton Sawyer, the guy wrote a whole book about how much he loves you. It has always been Lucas and Peyton. You guys are meant to be together, it's the way it's supposed to be."

So I left and headed towards Lucas's. Of course I circled the block a few times because I really didn't want to hear him tell me we were over for good, plus I could see Lindsay's car in the driveway, and I wasn't sure I wanted to confront them both at the same time. Finally I gathered up the courage and walked to the door that led directly into his bedroom. A million memories of this door raced around my brain, from the morning I walked in on him with Brooke, to the night he let me in after the first time Psycho Derek attacked me. This was it; this was the last moment I would stand at this door waiting for the boy on the other side of it to love me. After tonight, I would either know for sure we were meant to be, or I would never stand here again. There had to be an end, and I decided this was it. Either way I wasn't fighting for him anymore.

I knocked on his door and when it opened Lindsay stood there, tears streaming down her face. My heart leapt, but I couldn't show it; I wasn't about to be cruel, I knew what she was feeling.

"Lindsay I'm sorry. I never wanted to-" I felt compelled to apologize; it had never been my intention to hurt her. But then she raised her left hand to her face and I saw it, a ring.

"Lucas asked me to marry him." At her words my breath caught in my throat and my entire world crumbled to rubble around me. I looked past her and into Lucas's face, shock, horror and unimaginable pain coursing through my veins. He held my gaze for the shortest of moments and then shook his head and looked away.

I backpedalled, literally. It was all I could think to do; I couldn't stand there and act like I was happy for her, for them, I had to get as far away as I could. As I half-ran back to my car I wondered if he'd done it the same way for her as he did me, wondered if he used the same words, if he'd told her she was the one he wanted next to him when all his dreams came true. I replayed his proposal to me in my mind, replacing my name with hers, watching him kneel in that hotel room in front of her, and hearing her say yes, the way I should have.

I drove home clumsily, tears and mascara burning in my eyes and blurring my vision. The last time I had driven these streets like this, Lucas had jumped in the car and tried his best to calm me down. But no one was going to risk their life for me now, so I just drove recklessly on.

When I reached the house I tore through the door, anger washing over me like a tidal wave as I realized that Lucas had kissed me back. And it hadn't been just a kiss; it had been one of our epic kisses, as full of feeling as the night of the state championship. My anger quickly turned to despair as I flipped the switch on the gas fireplace and threw myself onto the couch. I had no rational reason for starting a fire, except to watch it burn, like the flames engulfing my entire life and the future I'd planned for myself.

I don't know how long I laid on the couch, staring into the fire and letting my grief marinate my heart completely. At some point I pulled the copy of Lucas's book that I always kept in my purse out and tortured myself further by reading and rereading the final few pages. It had been incredible to read this for the first time, and it felt so long ago that I had done so. To see everything that had happened to all of us through his eyes, to see myself through his eyes, had been so enlightening, and I have to say, pretty flattering. Reading his words now, however, was like a slap in the face. I kept thinking that I _had_ him. I had this man who wrote a whole book about how much he loved me. I _had_ Lucas, and I let him go.

Brooke walked in and threw the copy of _An Unkindness of Ravens_ into the fire. I watched it burn and at first it felt liberating to, if only symbolically, be rid of him. I briefly considered packing up and returning to L.A., but that wasn't an option anymore. I'd brought Brooke back here for selfish reasons, and even if she'd found what she wanted, I couldn't leave and abandon her completely now. I had to stay, and I had to just deal with the fact that he was going to marry her.

We sat there on the couch, me literally crying on Brooke's shoulder, for over an hour before I felt I could go to bed. I lay there wide awake, not sleeping, just crying and mulling over the last six years in my mind until I felt darkness start to descend upon me again. It felt like I'd lost Ellie all over again, and thinking about her just made everything that much worse. I begged for sleep to come and take my pain away, if only for a few hours; I pleaded for numbness to overcome me and deaden my emotions, anything would have been preferable to the agony I was experiencing.

I was still awake at seven the next morning, having spent the entire night in my personal purgatory. I thought for the hundredth time about the moment I stood in front of his door the previous night. I had promised myself that, whichever way the ball dropped, it would be the end, that I wouldn't challenge his decision either way. But laying there in bed, exhausted from sleep-deprivation and emotional turmoil, I resolved to make one more stab at it.

Getting up was the hardest part, my body felt like it weighed several tons. Once I lifted myself out of bed, however, my perseverance kicked in and my momentum propelled me forward, toward my last-ditch effort for Lucas.

I walked through the halls of the school in a daze, part of me transported back in time to senior year, part of me fully aware of what I was about to do and how awful of a person it was going to make me. My movements were automatic; I'd traveled to Whitey's office so often I didn't have to take myself off autopilot. I deftly avoided the library and the hallway where Jimmy had shot me, as I had every single day since then, and tried desperately to grapple words together that would convince Lucas he'd made the wrong choice.

"High." Lucas's air of nonchalance infuriated me, so I retaliated by trying to make him feel guilty.

"If you wanted to break my heart there are a thousand ways you could do it. You did not have to propose to Lindsay to hurt me."

I made my final plea to him, to try to make him understand what I knew had to be correct. We were supposed to be together; after all we'd been through, didn't we owe it to ourselves to make each other happy?

But he looked me in the eyes and told me he was in love with her. It was weird, when I walked into the office I'd been sure my heart could bleed anymore, that it was bled dry and one more rejection away from complete numbness; nevertheless, when he said those words to me, so sure of himself and his choice, a new fountain sprang from my heart, covering my entire being in the newfound blood.

Haley walked in before I could scrounge up my dignity. I gathered that she knew what was happening from her cold glance and sharp tongue. In a moment I saw them all moving forward with their lives, and I wasn't in any of them. So I left, dignity and pride shattered right alongside my heart.


End file.
